Peace, Energy and Forgiveness

Marylou Bassani, July 14, 2019

In November of 2003 Gary Ridgway, the Green River Killer, was found guilty of multiple counts of murder. One by one family members rose to give impact statements. Angry sentiments were directed toward Ridgway. Robert Rule, a large older man, carrying a white beard and shoulder length hair much like Santa Claus, stood to give his statement. His 16 year old daughter Linda “Janie” Rule had been one of the victims. This is what he said:
Mr. Ridgway, there are people here that hate you. I’m not one of them. You made it difficult to live up to what I believe, and that is what God says to do. That’s to forgive. You are forgiven, sir.
Ridgway had sat stone faced among the anger that was thrown his way up until Rule offered his forgiveness. Then Ridgway broke down and began to cry.
When I first saw this broadcast I was amazed. How can the murder of a loved one be forgiven. This act could be considered by most an “unforgiveable act”. This scene has haunted me since that broadcast. You may be thinking that this is an anomaly. Or that this is a rare case.
In 1993 Mary Johnson’s only son was murdered. Laramiun Byrd was 20 years old. His murderer was 16 year old Oshea Israel. Johnson believed that she had forgiven Israel during his trial, but she found that after his sentencing she went home full of hate, and not only for Israel. She hated everyone. And she hated for many years. She finally decided that she needed to meet Israel at the prison. The meeting was transformative. She was able to forgive him and that day she felt a physical sensation of an energy rising from her feet. This confirmed to her that she was able to let go of the anger. Since Israel’s 2010 release from jail they have been living in the same neighborhood as neighbors. Mary Johnson started an organization named “From Death to Life”. Together they are working to tell their story to help others. Israel is working on forgiving himself for taking a life.
In his book “The Untethered Soul”, which is eloquently narrated by our own Peter Berkrot, Michael Singer states that we are naturally resistant to negative events. We do not like how they make us feel. He describes these events as “energy” that passes through us. He discusses Will or Willpower as a force that we can control. I quote from his book, “These movements pass through the psyche much like physical impact ripples through water. Amazingly, you actually have the ability to resist these movements of energy. The assertion of willpower can stop the energy transfer, and that’s what creates tension. You can wear yourself out struggling with the experience of a single event, or even a single thought or emotion.” Mary Johnson spent years carrying her anger everywhere she went. The anger could not take back the event. She could only release her pain by forgiving Israel. Because her willpower was blocking the energy from the negative event from moving through her this was damaging to her well-being. Often we do not want to or we do not know how to release our willpower. Our willpower is what is keeping us from moving through the feelings associated with the traumatic event. Even though some events are small in comparison to unexpectedly losing a loved one they can still be blocked with willpower. They can still create the tension that can affect our ultimate happiness.
So how do we release pain?
One way is to do a regular meditation. If you have experienced an event that you are holding on to it may take time to work through it. Forgiveness isn’t always easy. Sometimes it is a slow letting go. It is important to forgive yourself when you can’t immediately work through anger and pain. It is of no use to berate yourself for not being able to instantly forgive someone or something. Remember that forgiveness is for your benefit. Be easy on yourself.
There are 12 principles that are integral to forgiving in the Buddhist teachings. Forgiveness is not a condoning or is it always for the other party. Forgiveness is a process, it is self-compassion, it is a shift in perception among many other things. I doubt Robert Rule was condoning Ridgway’s actions when he was able to forgive him.
When speaking about the 4th principle of forgiveness, Jack Kornfield states this: “Discover that it is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering. This is a big one. We are so loyal to our suffering, focusing on the trauma and the betrayal of “what happened to me.” OK, it happened. It was horrible. But is that what defines you? “Live in joy” says the Buddha.”
It is difficult to live in joy when someone dies or leaves us. We feel an obligation to live in sadness and anger. As if to live in Joy is a betrayal to the deceased. Look to the Dali Lama who has lost so much. He states, ‘They have taken so much. They have destroyed temples, burned our texts, disrobed our monks and nuns, limited our culture and destroyed it in so many ways. Why should I also let them take my joy and peace of mind?’
When I was 20 years old I was told to leave my parents home, the home I grew up in. I had disgraced the family name according to my father. Yes, I was unmarried and pregnant. And please don’t ask me how I became pregnant as people often do. It happened in the usual way. When this story comes up in conversation most react in a sympathetic manner. How could my parents kick me out when I needed them the most? They were not in the position to forgive me. They were angry and hurt. Yet, in the bible Jesus tells Peter that he should not forgive 7 times but 77 times. And you should understand that my parents are both Catholic. They just weren’t very forgiving Catholics at the time. According to the parable they should have forgiven me or be thrown in prison and tortured. I am assuming that the parable is written to instill a fear into individuals who do not forgive. That God will condemn them as he condemns all sinners as I was taught in CCD. I do think that the story has a redeemable message. We experience torture in the form of self imposed pain if we do not begin the process of offering forgiveness.
Early last year, my sister became very angry after her husband took his life. This was understandable. Grief is an individual process. She was and still is angry at everyone. She blames my parents for bad parenting from day one. I believe that until she is able to forgive herself and everyone she blames she will not experience joy. She is ultimately responsible to release the pain and to will the energy to move through her.
My mother continues to be hurt. A few months ago she said to me that she didn’t know why my sister was so angry at them. That if anyone should be angry at them it should be me for what happened years ago. She wouldn’t name it but I knew what she meant. I told her I was never angry and if I had been I have forgotten it, forgiven it. I know I have been forgiven although not a word was ever said. And I had forgiven them long ago. And now looking back I see that I was able to keep my joy.
To be awake, to be a participant in daily life we open ourselves up to events. The hurtful events can’t be stopped. Robert Rule could not go back and change what had happened to his daughter. What he could do is move through the pain. I believe he did not let Gary Ridgway take away his joy or his piece of mind. Mary Johnson found a way to help others once she was able to forgive. What of the family members and friends of the other victims of the Green River Killer? The individuals who stood and spewed hate at Ridgway. I wonder if they carried that hate with them. Were they eventually able to forgive, any of them?
Forgiveness is a process. When we are ready and willing it is possible.