Clearing the Cobwebs
Kelly Knox

Buddhism teaches three universal truths 1. that everything is impermanent, 2. this causes suffering, 3. our real selves, our spirit, our essence, the part of us that continues to exists when our body dies is unchanging and therefore does not experience suffering.

Being able to experience that self, even for a moment, diminishes suffering. The more moments that we string together in alignment with our immortal self, the less we suffer.

The question then becomes, how do we shed lifelong protective thoughts, attitudes, beliefs and values that helped us to survive? How do we, to use Brene Brown’s phrase, live wholeheartedly? There are plenty of books that teach pathways to our true selves. I am not going to talk about the paths we can take however.

What I am going to talk about is three fundamental values, that when cultivated make whatever path you choose an exciting exploration, rather than an arduous, painful, unwelcomed task.

Emotional curiosity, self-compassion and connection. These three values will clear away internal cobwebs that obstruct the path to the essence of who we are.

Becoming curious about our thoughts, emotions and behaviors, as Dr. Brene Brown tells us, is the beginning.

Self-compassion, not judging our thoughts, emotions and behaviors, as Dr. Kristin Neff tell us, is vital to the exploration. With those values as a basis, our connection to ourselves and others deepen.

I’ll use one emotion, a state of being really, as an example of how curiosity, self-compassion and connection can literally save our mortal lives and connect us to the part of us that is everlasting.

Loneliness. Loneliness is killing us. Loneliness causes untold suffering.

According to one study, loneliness and isolation doubles the likelihood of heart disease and increases the risk of death by 32 percent. The study finds that loneliness is a greater health risk than obesity and is worse for you than smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder and other major mental health diagnoses all have this one symptom in common. One begets the other in a deadly cyclical cycle. And it can lead to the taking of one’s own life. Suicide rates in the United States have increase by 32 percent over the last ten years. One state saw a 56 percent increase.

So, what can we do? How do we eradicate feelings of loneliness?
Cultivating curiosity, self-compassion and connection are essential to decreasing, perhaps even eliminating, loneliness. Whichever path we choose to walk toward spiritual wellness; these three values will enhance joy and diminish pain.

Curiosity and self-compassion must be cultivated together – they are a team.

In order to become curious about your thoughts and emotional life, you need a mustard seed size of courage. It is not easy. At first it can be very painful and confusing. It’s scary to step back and gently ask in a nonjudgmental way, “What is going on here?” As you explore however, courage will naturally strengthen.

When you start asking questions in this way you really need to be gentle with yourself. This is where self-compassion comes in.

Let me give you an example, you’re sitting home on a Saturday night as you have done the last six months since the end of a relationship, and you are overcome with sadness. Let’s assume you don’t do something to numb out, like drink alcohol or over-eat.

Now you can say, what the heck is wrong with me, get over it, I wanted it to be over, I have no right to be so sad, I’m being such an idiot, and on and on and on. This way may very well end with a drink in your hand or a trip to the refrigerator, regardless, what it will do is cause and perpetuate self-hatred and the likelihood of reaching out to a healthy authentic friend, when you are so down on yourself, is unlikely.

But if you get curious, with a solid sense of self-compassion the conversation will actually lead somewhere. This way you’d say, geez I am really, really sad. Of course, I am, she was someone I was with every Saturday. I’ve been alone for six months of Saturdays. I kind of wish I didn’t end it. Why did I end it? Oh right, our values really didn’t match up. That’s sad. I made the right decision though. But I feel so lonely. UGH I hate feeling lonely. Maybe I’ll call my friend Jane and see if she’ll have dinner with me.

As you become adept at manifesting scenario two, you will become more open. You’ll understand yourself better. And you will be much more willing to trust and be vulnerable with others. You will soften into strength. You’ll have such a strong, gentle understanding of yourself, that you won’t easily be knocked over by life’s vicissitudes. You will feel deeper connections with yourself, with loved ones, acquaintances and strangers alike. Curiosity, Self-Compassion and Connection. It is simple, but not easy.

Let me leave you with a personal example of how a harsh inner conversation can lead to loneliness and isolation. Running is my mediation. Either I am paying attention to my breathing and form, or my mind wanders and I get lost in thought. Generally, I am good at gently bringing myself back to breath. Last Saturday however, my reentry to mindfulness was fraught with a bit of anger and disgust. I was down by Good Harbor Beach when I realized my mind had wandered. Nothing like the ocean to bring you back to the moment. I was obsessing about something that is completely irrelevant to my reality. My initial reaction, when I realized the thoughts I was lost in, was anger and judgment. I heard myself saying “what the heck are you doing,” actually used a different four-letter word that I can’t say in church, but I went on “why do you do that. It is so not useful.” I was completely annoyed with myself. Had I gone down that path of berating myself for the meaningless obsessive thought, by the end of my run I would have been on a complete self-hatred jag, believing I was worthless, and isolating myself because I couldn’t stand hanging with me, certainly no one else could. The next day would have been more of the same and it would have led me down a scary and deadly path. I know this about myself, because I spent most my life on that path. This time however, the thought went, “what the heck are you doing? why do you do that? It is so not useful. Well now, isn’t that interesting, I was just about to berate myself.” And from there I went down the curious, self-compassion path and found some peace. I went on to spend the day with friends and had a spectacular day.

Be a willing partner in alleviating your own suffering. Clear away your inner cobwebs with curiosity, self-compassion and connection. Brene Brown tells us we can’t get curious about something we know nothing about. So, a good place to start is with recognition. This next week take 5-10 minutes each morning – you can find 5-10 minutes, even if it is while you sit on the toilet – identify a thought or feeling. Explore it without judgement and a boatload of self-compassion. I had to use a boat reference – I’m in Gloucester for goodness sake. You want to have a boatload of self-compassion.

Maybe start an emotional curiosity journal and write your transformation down.

Check in with yourself at the end of the week. Is life lighter, easier, softer? Do you feel more connected to yourself, your loved ones?

A blessing as we go forth

May we find the courage to soften our hearts to explore our emotional life and thoughts with curiosity, interwoven with a deep and abiding foundation of self-compassion that leads us toward more meaningful and authentic connections with friends, neighbors and strangers alike.

Amen

Closing Words
When I Am Among Trees by Mary Oliver

When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily.

I am so distant from the hope of myself,
in which I have goodness, and discernment,
and never hurry through the world
but walk slowly, and bow often.

Around me the trees stir in their leaves
and call out, “Stay awhile.”
The light flows from their branches.

And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,
“and you too have come
into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled
with light, and to shine.”